Insecure

Emotions... are complicated psychological experience of a person mind's condition influence by external and internal influences. Whatever a person do, say, encounter, the environment, are all capable of affecting a person's emotions. It can drive the state of your mind and feelings from a simple line such as, "Dude, your fly has been opened for the past 3 hours" to something irresponsible like "Honey, sorry I've forgotten to fetch the kids to school today" to something as cruel as "The management has decided to let you go, there's 3 hours for you to leave this premise".

Emotions can be prolonged or temporary. Imagine having a serious physical injury to your face via a car accident, it will most likely take a long time to heal the internal emotional damage caused to oneself in some cases, permanent (i.e. PHD students?). So what do I mean when it's temporary? After a long day working in office, you drove thru the jam and finally got home. You parked your car, grabbed your working stuffs, keys, bag and head into home. Strangely you noticed from the windows that, the lights was turned on and as far as your memory is serving you at its best, it was lights out before you left home. When you opened the door cautiously, your house was filled with people, your girlfriend, friends and family singing you a Happy Birthday song! Well, one of the form of temporary emotions could be a surprise, does it make sense?

It came across my mind of the person who once desired to established a New Order and take control of the world in his palms, dreaming of the days where only absolute Nazi German hegemony in continental Europe. How does Adolf Hilter felt like whenever he killed someone? Satisfaction? Guilty? Hilarious? or emotionless? I wonder could someone be in that state of mind, where there is no feelings involved in the things that he does and what actually led him to be like this.

In my personal conviction and experience, a person's will will drive ones emotions depending on how strong the desire one has to succeed. And the results? People will behave in a certain manner as a results of these emotions such as crying, depressed, laughing, fighting and what not.

Perhaps many will often pop up questions of how to cope with all these emotions especially the negative ones. If you're feeling suffocated, it might be wise to get some air out of the busyness, crowd or probably somewhere away from town, a trip or a holiday to clear off what's clouding your mind. If you're feeling blue, be patient let Monday pass and it should be fine the next day. If you're feeling bored, read my blog! Some find peace of mind by catching a movie, listening to music or seeking a religion. Everyone has their own means and ways to deal with their emotions.

Tonight, I'm a felt insecure and these feelings has been kicking in all around me thru out the day. Here's how Between the Lines defines insecurity:

1. Not sure or certain; doubtful: unemployed and facing an insecure future.
2. Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe. A shortage of military police made the air base insecure.
3. Not firm or fix; unsteady: an insecure foothold.
4.
a. Lacking stability; troubled: an insecure relationship.
b. Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety: had always felt insecure at parties.

And I've just found my cure, by simply talking to you. You know who you are :) Amazing.

If It Kills Me

Hello, tell me you know, yeah, you've figured me out
Something gave it away
And it would be such a beautiful moment to see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing'
Cause you and I, why we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better than you and your boyfriend

Well, how long can I go on like this, wishing to kiss you
Before I rightly explode
And this double life I lead isn't healthy for me in fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all
Well, baby there's a lot that I miss in case I'm wrong

If I should be so bold, I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand
Tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man
But I never said a word I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again

Well, all I really want to do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through

And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me
I think it might kill me

And all I really want from you is to feel me
It's a feeling inside that keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me
It might kill me

Absence...

3rd November 2011, 5.03pm. I'll never forget this moment, my heart has been talking to me again. I was in the midst of my department training the whole day, whatsapping most of the time while listening to the trainer. Suddenly, the Head of Department arrived about close to 5.00pm and I knew today is gonna be a long winded session (training ended at 8pm today, goodness!). Immediately I stopped chatting and concentrate. Hmm.... but I couldn't really focus and there was something disturbing me all along as the training proceeds. It was rather a familiar feeling that I somewhat never felt quite some years ago. It has relive inside me, I'm a little afraid yet emotionally stirred. Does it sounds like man having PMS? Haha... probably words or even myself couldn't comprehend much, it just happened naturally. My heart felt something this evening, like it needs something... its longing for something. It's a similar feeling when I felt hurt but its wasn't because I was hurt. It's the absence of someone that makes you feel incomplete. Like the sunflower needs the sun, the heart needs blood to pump, I needed you. I can say whatever I want, do anything I feel like.... however, the heart does not tell lies. I knew I truly miss you for the very first time.

When you truly miss someone, how does it feels like? :(

When?

My mum, my friends, thanks for your support and care. It still hurts..... at the moment, when I'm alone, when I just can't help it but to read news about you. Wonder if you feel the same way.. Guess not. When will it go away?

A New Day?

Today marks the first day I'm without you. Better, worst? I can't read my emotions properly right now. You're really not a fighter, that upsets me. I'm disappointed, truly am. I signed up for a marathon and this has became a walkaton instead. My mum asked me shortly after I woke up, "Is Michelle here today?". Nope, not anymore... she has left, for good. The way we looked at each other, the way we smile, the messages we exchange.... "wasn't something but wasn't nothing?" I hope I did contribute some good things and helped you with moving forward in life. It makes me wonder, why did God sent you to me? I can't write anymore, at least not for now. My heart has puncture. I'm tired, emotionally tired.

Dear Chelle

I was touched by a white dove today,
It rested on me singing songs of May,
Continue laying down and sleep on hay,
I remembered the dream about you that day,

You were pretty and sweet and still am now,
Delightfully you smile and make me go wow!
I never thought you'll come true and stay,
From a silent hope of a wish I prayed,

You make me laugh and cry and feel so gay,
Like a water lily experiencing four seasons a day,
I want to kiss you from dawn to night,
A gentle assurance I love you with all my might,

I'll watch you like an owl with great sight,
Protected you'll be cause I'll put on a fight,
Bring down anyone who hurts your pride,
In my embrace you'll sleep and I'll hug you tight,

Darling, lets sail thru the seven seas,
Exploring all the wonders of the earth,
Implanting lovely memories to our long life,
Like Apple Inc.'s logo with a permanent bite.

p/s: It was a good run, you and I. You didn't want to finish the race with me, I'll still run, probably alone this time. You were right, when someone cried, it'll never be good for the person.Thank you for the memories, happiness, fun, joy and your smiles.

Sunshine of Hope (Ko, Sa)

Tho our world may not be seen as perfect,
Inducted with obstacles, ugliness & sinfulness,
Trauma, disasters, bitterness hits us time to time,
We couldn't bear looking at reality sometimes,
Because this place is not built by only you and me,

If you want to be in my shelter,
I always will provide a room for two,
For you and me and our future too,
Thru the storms I will hold you tight,
In the darkness I'll be your light,

You may fall, you may trip,
But never forget to hold my grip,
When you really feel like giving up,
Just hang on there and sit on tight,
I will be beside you to make sure its alright,

You need a map, you need a guide,
I will be your compass and be your sight,
We can be a team and win those fights,
Whenever you are lost stay right there,
Give me some time I'll reach for you here,

Sometimes, there maybe a boulder in front of us,
And theres no way to climb it alone,
Are you gonna stop or runaway from it?
or take my hands, and together...
We will make a path, make it thru

The sun is waitin for us on the other side... for ko dan sa.... percayalah.

Freestyle MCs

During my study break, like finally.... a break from KPMG, away from all the working files, queries , papers, laptop, questions, clients and stuff. A moment of relaxation yet that doesn't change the fact that I'm gonna sit for 2 CPA examination papers... this is hell.

So of course we would do all sorts of extra co-curricular activities during our holidays and I got hooked into youtube for 2 days over some freestyle rapping video, OMG, 2 days lesser for studies. Seriously, those videos are really cool. Never could I imagine that the underground hip hop scene would be so huge and every single day there are rap battles going on in one corner of a street, hall, bar, trains, anywhere, anytime.

So incase if you are not familiar with the term rapping, allow me to give a simple explanation. Rapping is referring to spoken or chanting lyrics with a rhythm and is usually the primary ingredient for hip-hop or reggae music. Don't get it? It's alright... check out these videos. A interview and a music video.









This rapper over here in the video is Marshall Bruce Mathers III. Maybe his birth name was kinda long or sounds kinda complicated, well I'm not sure why names must come with numbers too, this hip hop sensation is better known as Eminem or his alter ego Slim Shady in the music industry. Arguably one of the best rappers in the world, listed and rated as one of the greatest artists of all time by magazines including the famous Rolling Stone magazine, declaring Eminem as the King of Hip Hop and has ranked him 82nd on its list of The 100 Greatest Artists of All Time. He has won numerous rap battles in his earlier days, encountering many rappers out in the streets of Detroit and popularizing his homies/group D12 (Dirty Dozen) after rising to stardome. D12 itself has some histories and creative formation of names to live up to its groupname. D12 had 6 members and each of them would create an alter ego. Proof chose Dirty Harry, Bizarre became Peter S. Bizarre, Kuniva became Hannz G. (which later became Rondell Beene), Kon Artis chose Mr. Porter, Bugz became Robert Beck and Eminem created the character Slim Shady (which later became one of the biggest hits songs title - The Real Slim Shady). Therefore, 6 rappers + 6 alter ego + Detroit = D12, lol interesting? Since then, 2 members has left and been replaced up to date.

What is truly great about Eminem to me is that his style when he raps along the lyrics he wrote. He brings a strong emotion in telling the stories he has written bringing his music into life.

Amazing isn't it? You get fame and fortune for speaking fast accordingly to the beat. Damn, I wanna quit my job and be a rapper too. Unfortunately, it isn't that simple. According to Wikipedia (6 Oct 2011)...

"to successfully deliver a rap, a rapper must also develop vocal presence, enunciation and breath control. Vocal presence is the distinctiveness of a rapper's voice on record. Enunciation is essential to a flowing rap; some rappers choose also to exaggerate it for comic and artistic effect. Breath control, taking in air without interrupting one's delivery, is an important skill for a rapper to master, and a must for any MC. An MC with poor breath control cannot deliver difficult verses without making unintentional pauses."

In addition to that, most of the prominent and popular rappers that has crafted themselves a big name and wealth in the music industry has come a long long way in their career. Here's another video of a Hip Hop rising star making it big in Hong Kong. An introduction of him, an interview and one music video.













His name? Jin Au-Yeung with the stage name MC Jin, earlier names(100 Grand Jin and Jin the Emcee or even just The Emcee), growing up in the Miami, Florida area, and later living in New York City, now residing in Hong Kong. Jin is fluent Cantonese and English. He the first East Asian Chinese solo rapper to be signed to a major record label. The video itself is self explanatory where he won a lot of battles, writes, thinking of punch lines/words that rhyme everyday and probably these guys uses the dictionary 20 times more than an average person. His major break thru in the rapping scene came in after winning 7 battles in the roll in Freestyle Friday, enabling him to be inducted in the Freestyle Friday Hall of Fame. Freestyle Friday is a local program held in New York City inviting local rappers for rap battling sessions. I personally feel and agree with many that MC Jin is truly a lyrical genius rapper, with his fast thinking and counter attacks (which actually makes sense, sometimes it comes along with foul words too lol) and his ability to connect back to his opposing rapper's rap using his prepared punchlines and creation of new lyrics on the spot is just really cool. Sometimes I go like "he killed it with his last line, amazing!!".

And, a final video of a true real life, rap battle... MC Jin vs Sean Nicholas. Enjoy!





Wow, I don't think being a rapper is that easy after all. I shall stick back to my job for the moment. LOL!

p/s: For the record, kids can rap too

Sweetheart

Ever since stepping into KPMG, I practically stopped blogging. Time quickly sailed thru like a yacht catching a strong wind breezing thru this huge sea. It was quite change for me, to experience things in a greater level, meeting much more people, maturing and I realised... I have grown a lot thru these few years staying single, striving to improve each and everyday in all aspects of life.

It was a fun and exciting journey, cause in my field of work, you encounter different situation everyday. I would choose to illustrate my job this way. It's like all the dots scattered around the paper and you can't just figure out how can these things make any sense to you. But when you are able to connect all of it and form a picture, it is satisfying. To able to decorate and add some finishing touch, it is even more fullfilling. When you frame it up, stick it to the wall and look at it and finally say, "This is my masterpiece". The contentment and joy of one's effort completing his job just can't be expressed simply by words.

It does worries my mum a little, where each day I would come back home late from work or my gym. Yeah, I subscribed to a gym almost half a year ago with a goal to lose 12 kgs and get some muscles. Finally right? So she asked me from time to time, "Simon, do you not want to look for a partner anymore?". I couldn't really give her a solid answer as I wasn't too sure myself. After having meeting countless ladies, well men too (men can be really interesting people as they are usually the ones who would share a lot of life experiences to you), I just gave up on looking for the girl and I tell myself, if there is a girl who is meant to be, she will come.... she will come.

Thereafter nothing really changed and I became a more bubbly guy as it felt like I've let go something in me. It was strange as I never thought I would appear to be attractive to many actually. However, I did not reply their love... it was lacking substance, I thought.

One afternoon when I was in a training session conducted by the seniors of my firm, I got bored and added this colleague into an online app. We started talking ever since. Somehow, I managed to get her out of her comfort zone and pull off a first meeting in a club, how strange and funny isn't it? It was a good, fun night but perhaps it could be a little better if I didn't need to carry a drunk lady all the way back to her car and make sure she will be sleeping soundly at home.

We went out on a second meeting watching Overheard 2. I was attracted to her brown beautiful eyes and often peep at her when she did not noticed. It looks pure, at least to me that prompt me more to want to know her in the coming days. It wasn't too long, in fact not long at all where we meet again and again till the day I was at her place. She was cutting my nails and I felt something for her ever since then.

It was a Monday, where we spent time doing little little things where most people would do, having meals, watching movies, playing pool, doing a little grocery shopping and I was at her place again. It was fun having wine, playing truth or dare (she made me do quite a few silly and embarrassing stuffs, trust me) and I felt again that strange bond and connection with her. I knew she is someone I must not miss in life.

Shortly after she went to the washroom and came out, I hugged her. We dance and we kissed, the music plays and its been a while since I last felt something much stronger for a girl. Afraid, I thought if I did not tell her anything tonight, she might be taken off by another guy soon enough before I can even have another chance in future. In a brief moment after the music could no longer be heard, I asked her to be my girl. She said yes and there is she my babygirl..... happily with me now ^^.



p/s: Well technically I made her agreed to my request but... she still said yes herself xD